Mar. 4th, 2014

What? 249

Mar. 4th, 2014 12:01 am
harvey_rrit: (Default)
WHY YOU ONLY EVER MEET STUPID ORCS IN THE DUNGEON (AND HALF-ORCS ARE SO MUCH BRIGHTER THAN ORCS).

Characters: Orc 1 and Orc 2 (they're wearing jerseys).

Setting: Guard station, surface level, technically before level 1.

Orc 1: I hate this job.

Orc 2: Somebody's gotta.

Orc 1: You know why we're up here? OHSHITletmedothetalking.

Orc 2: Huh?

Orc 1 [leaps to attention]: POST READY FOR INSPECTION SIR! [salutes] [Orc 2 hastily comes to attention and salutes]

Thief [comes out of shadows]: Uh, at ease. [returns salute] Does anyone know about this... inspection?

Orc 1: Sir no sir, caught us fair and square, sir.

Thief: Uh... very well... I'll get... the General... and his staff now. [goes away briefly and returns with clerics, magic-users, and Meat Shields, one of the latter being just Horribly Charming]

Paladin [amateur whisper]: I'm not sure it's moral to impersonate a general officer.

Thief [professional murmur]: Is it worse than murdering a couple of dummies who weren't going to raise the alarm?

Paladin: I really dislike when you do that.

Thief: Somebody's gotta. [normal voice] Presenting General-- [looks blank for a moment] Welfare. [strangled sounds from magic-users]

Paladin [after marked look at thief]: Hm. Weapons sharp, armor worn properly, very keen. Satisfactory for a field post. Mark these two passed, Major Burden. [strangled sounds from clerics]

Thief [after expressionless stare at nothing in particular]: Yes, sir. [Fishes out notepad and puts a couple of marks in it]

Paladin: As you were. [orcs sit back down]

Horribly lethal adventuring party proceeds past and continues down into dungeon.

Orc 2: Wow, I bet nobody down there is ready for an inspection. --OW, why did you smack me?

Orc 1: As I was saying, you know why we're up here?

Orc 2: Guard duty.

Orc 1: Yeah. Right. If we're supposed to guard this entrance, why aren't there like 200 more of us? We got sent up here because we asked too many questions, that's what. We're just supposed to waste our time, which is really bad considering our lifespan, and if an adventuring party shows up we're supposed to make noise dying so somebody will hear it and raise the alarm. Now help me steal everything we can carry and we'll haul ass to the nearest seaport, somebody must need sailors who can see at night.

[ends]

Now, see, Orc 1 survives to breed....

Profile

harvey_rrit: (Default)
harvey_rrit

April 2017

S M T W T F S
      1
234 5678
91011121314 15
161718192021 22
23242526272829
30      

Most Popular Tags

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags